3:07 AM Sigh...

I'm tired of crutches. I am tired of my big black boot. I am tired of pain pills. But, at the same time I am grateful for crutches, my big black boot, and pain pills.
Today I've realized that I've put off a lot of things due to recovery. I think it's totally legit, but I hate being unorganized. So tonight I took all my mail and sorted it out and put in away in the files. It was mostly all notices from the hosbibull (hospital). Then I looked around the room and saw it was nothing but a mess. Christmas shopping doesn't have a dent in it. Money nonsense. I still need to clean my car. I miss Brett. 19 days until he comes home. Things were moving a million miles a minute in my head. Stress. Antsy. Anxious. I flopped on the bed and stared at the piles of clothes scattered across the room. I started contemplating tackling the mess tonight or just putting it off another day. A zing my foot jolted me forward. That zinger persuaded me to put it off another day... But I promised myself the fate of the mess would be terminated by the end of the week. I made up my mind about what everyone was getting for Christmas and I made a list. Lists are organized. I felt better.
I want to change the name of my blog. The intricacies of a frenzied woman has never turned me on. I am not intricate, nor am I frenzied... am I? Okay, yeah, I'm not. Every since I got a blog I've been trying to think of a new name. Nothing comes to mind.
I know I talk about Brett a lot... but here I go again.
It took me a while to get used to another 98 degree body sharing a bed with me. I'm still not used to sleeping alone. I usually put a pillow behind me. I remember laying awake bored out of my mind. "Babe, you awake?" I'd whisper. "Breeettt." I'd say it bit louder. "Brett!" I said just loud enough to wake him up. "Yeah. Are you okay?" He'd say sitting up. "Are you awake?" I'd say rolling over to face him. "I am now..." He'd would be slightly perturbed. "You wanna play battleship...?" I'd say ever so charmingly. After some eye rubbing and stretching he'd give into my batting eyes and irresistible smile. "One game." He'd whisper. I would jump out of bed and set up battle ship. Um, seriously. What an amazing husband. After our game I'd put all the pieces away and Brett would be asleep before I turned out the light. I crawled into bed and fluffed my pillow. He would scoot right up close to me and I'd sink into his chest. I have goosebumps just thinking about it. 19 days Rachel, 19 days. When I went to see Brett in October I was pretty quiet. I couldn't figure out why. I was so excited to wrap my arms around him and kiss him. But I was quiet. I realized that a lot of things happen to two different people while they are away. Ding, a light bulb above my head illuminated. We had to reconnect again. When he comes for Christmas we are supposed to do a lot of first date kind of things for the first couple days. Kinda cool huh? I'm thinking dinner and a little walk around temple square to look at the lights. Weather and leg/foot permitting. Romantic huh? My first word was "Wwwwwowww" looking at Christmas lights.
My hair is finally getting long. I miss my bangs. I don't want to go pay for someone to take five minutes cutting fresh bangs when I can just do it myself. I cut my hair in high school. I liked my hair in high school...
Brett's gift to me for Christmas are much needed two pairs of nice jeans. How thoughtful of him! I'm hopefully going shopping for jeans this week. And I'm going to knock out Christmas shopping while I'm out. It will be a nice treat to get some jeans.
4:07 AM this is ridiculous.

THE SHOW MUST GO ON

Tonight, tonight... I watched West Side Story for the billionth time. I cried. Again.
The picture up top is from my senior year of high school when I performed in West Side Story. That scene is Dance at the Gym. I don't know if you can see me... I am in a red polka dot dress with a big white belt. West Side had been previously done by OHS in 1998. The guy who played Baby John in the 1998 cast brilliantly choreographed our 2008 cast.
I looked very Puerto Rican out of a lot of people in the cast. I was a Jet. I perfered it that way. When you're a jet you're a jet all the way. (Had to throw that in there)
I had the most amazing dance partner Mr. Steven. We had danced together in the same dance studio and then he moved on to bigger and better things. I was so lucky to have him as a partner. With the experience we already had together coming into rehersals made a huge difference. He and Sarah, who is AMAZING did the Dream Sequence. Jake played Bernado for the Dream Sequence. Jake and I also danced together both in West Side and in other dance classes. Cool huh? Steven, Jake, and Sarah performed THIS at a Shakespear Festival. It isn't the original choreography from West Side but it's close. Watch it. Love it. Do it now.
I miss performing. I was in my element on the stage. I started performing when I was really little. I danced for Colleen Collin Smith's School of Performing Arts for 13 years. Count it, 13. In jr. high my passion for the theater came to life. In fact, that's where I met Brett, in the musical Annie. I started singing in jr. high as well. That lead me to musicals at OHS. I had heard so many stories about their theater department and never in a million years thought I would make it into a play. But I did and I did quite a few.
Maybe one day I'll perform again?

I think the only time I like snow is on Christmas day.

Here I am. 4am. Not asleep again. I had some frog eye salad, wheat thins, my pain pills and washed it all down with lots of water. Still not sleepy.

• I found a really good vein that I will suggest to the next nurse who needs to put an IV in me. I have the worst veins. When I was in the hospital a very kind nurse named Mikey spent 40 minutes trying to get a good vein. It was 3am. He tapped out. A not so happy nurse named Barbra came in and got an IV in me in 45 seconds. Record timing. Go Barb. I wasn't really sleepy then either. There were nurses that came into my room ever 3 hours. Very interrupted sleeping.
  
• My left calf in noticeably smaller than my right calf. Sigh. Pictures soon.
  
• The highlight of my evening was turning my foot to the left. It was like Zoolander when he turned left. It was so big that the family came over to see. Woooow! Jeri, grandma and I were just sitting there going over my physical therapy exercises and it just moved. That makes me feel better about the way things healing in there.
  
• I really like that new sitcom Modern Family.
  
• My brother has been out on the mission field for 8 months. Weird! He is doing well. He recently ran out of food but I'm sure he's fine now.
  
• I have my daddy's long fingers. I noticed that today.
• Stitches come out Wednesday. Wish me luck.
• 25 days until Brett comes home for Christmas.
• Lunesta gives me a metallic taste in my mouth. I think that my meds do the same. But it's not metallic. Just unpleasant.
• WEIRD
• People always talk about rain, how they love it, how they dance in it. If it isn't warm summer rain count me out.
  
• I'm yawing. Goodnight.
  

Congrats sister!!!

Leah and Andrew got engaged today!!

I took pictures of her RING. Check it out.

Triplets... two down, one to go.

Every little thing is gonna be alright

As time goes on I realize that this will someday be an insignificant part of my wonderful life.
I tell yah what. My husband is so good to me. He really picks me up when I am down.
Deep breaths...

Call me Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas

I owe an apology for those of you who get grossed out easily. I am sorry.
For the rest of you, I need to post this. It's kind of a self... (for lack of better words) healing.
Today has been very emotionally trying. Al, my mom and I went to my post op appointment. I knew that there was a large incision on the outside of my calf. I had no clue that it was this big and this shocking. I was not prepared for this one bit. They cut open the plaster splint I had been lugging around with me for the past few days and took off the dressing. I looked at my leg. My heart sank. My first thought was, There is cute shoe or little black dress in the world that would EVER cover up this scar. I was mad at the doctors who wouldn't listen. I never wanted anyone to ever see my legs again. I had so many things running through my head and so many emotions boiling under my skin. I burst into tears. What young woman would be able to ignore this? I know that it looks worse than it really is because of how swollen it is and the stitches. The initial visual was quite the shock to my system. After some pictures and deep breaths I tried to think positively. But I had a really hard time. Honestly I was pretty bitter, I AM pretty bitter but it is what it is. Although, I did find a ray of brightness I can look at; I didn't have to get a skin graft and only 20% of the muscle was removed as opposed to the initial possibility of a much higher percentage that I have forgotten. I remember it was significant though... The top picture shows gauze on the inside of my calf. That is another incision. And that mess on the top of my foot is another incision. I'm not that upset with those two because it's smaller and in my opinion, less noticeable on the inside of my leg, and in a place that can be covered under a shoe, and I was prepared for it.
So now I am sitting here pondering the future of this scar. I wonder if I'll get over it or if I'll buy long skirts and never wear shorts. I guess I'm lucky that it's winter and I have a season to think it over. You can suggest all the ointments and creams you want. But (this is me being bitter) look at my leg. That sucker is there for the rest of my life.
I was very anxious for Brett to call tonight. When he did I vented and cried. He consoled and said encouraging and ensuring things that made things better. I really could have used a hug from him but sweet talking was enough. Haha!
I need a fasciotomy on the other leg. We now know of this post compartment syndrome and can avoid the pain. However we can't avoid the scar. It won't be as big, bit it'll still leave a scar. When I am healed enough they want to put me on an exercise bike to measure the level of stress induced on my right calf when X amount of pressure is applied. Depending on other stuff that I don't really want to go into I might not have to get the original (reconstruct the second metatarsal and lengthen a calf tendon) surgery. But I will for sure have the fasciotomy. A basic definition if a fasciotomy is: a surgical procedure that cuts away the fascia to relieve tension or pressure... by pressure I mean pain. Lots of pain. I would want to get a fasciotomy as soon as possible (preferable when Brett is here for Chritmas) for a couple reasons which I will neatly list below:

• Insurance timing is lovely
• The compartment syndrome can prevail upon me at anytime. If it's under enough stress, it will come.
  

I don't really have anything more to add to this. Probably because the pain pills just kicked in and I'm feeling a bit drugged. So... that's a warp!!!

Thanks for listening. I really needed it :)

Christmas List

Today I ran errands with Jeri. After being cooped up inside the house tipsy on pain pills it was nice to get out. We stopped by the mall only to hear the disappointing reality that my phone company would cheat me into loosing $4o to repair my slight water damage. While at the mall I saw a huge Christmas tree and the mall was decked with holiday decorations. Fah la la la la la la la la. Where I have I been that I've been missing out on this festive spirit? Oh yeah, hospital. Anyway, I realized that I this is the season for giving! I haven't even started my Christmas shopping. This lead me to the selfish thought of what I want for Christmas. Here is my list: (By question 2 I was already stumped. Thus the stretch)

1. A nice dinner out with Brett
2. World peace
3. Maybe a new outfit?
   
4. Two more pairs jeans. I have one nice pair of jeans. Count it. One.
   

That is my list which is not final. I don't really want anything. I don't really need anything.


I skipped Thanksgiving. I will list a few things I am grateful for.

1. Brett of course.
2. Family. I tell yah what, without them this surgery would have been a nightmare. More of a nightmare than it already was.
   
3. Gingerale
   
4. Pain medication
5. Service men and women
   
6. A good book
   
7. Warmth
   
8. Friends
9. Dr. Beal's angst for the doctors who wouldn't listen to me or my mother. Shame on you.
   
10. Friends

That is my list which is not final either.

Husband!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Brett!!!

Brett is away for his training at Fort Jackson. Today is his birthday and all I could really do was wish him happy birthday over the phone. I promised Brett that when he gets home I would make him a lemon cake and that he and I would have our own little birthday party. Anyone know any killer lemon cake recipes? I love you Brett!

I spilled on my hospital gown.

Andrew and my mother fixed up this... thing. It made for a great laugh.

I love Brett.

Love Love Love
(I always think of this clip when I say love three times in a row. Enjoy)

Hopsital gowns, sponge baths, and hyrdolic beds.

Exhale...
I am on day 5 of my hospital adventure. Here's my "reader's digest version" of my week.

My last post gave you the low down on Thursday and Friday with never blocks and stuff... So we can start from there.

Saturday night:
Pain. The worst pain I have ever felt. It was hard to breathe. I was grinding my teeth, crying, grasping the blankets. I am forever haunted by that sensation.
The pain pills weren't working. I kept waiting for the slightest bit of pain to subside. Al and Jeri came over to see if there was anything they could do to help. I just wanted to go to an emergency room and demand morphine.
We realized that this was more than your regular post surgery pain. My mom called the hospital. At one point I over heard someone say, "She shouldn't be experiencing that much pain." But... I totally was! After being transferred to a few more people we were on our way to SLC.
David doesn't drive that fast. But, you should have seen him. He was cruising. Go David. Al and Jeri were following right behind.
We finally arrived at the hospital and mom hopped out to get wheelchair. The pain was so terrible standing up that I screamed out. I didn't know I could scream like that... We rushed into the double doors check in. We were met by a woman who told me to calm down. Typical. I breathed deeply for a bit and it soon became clear that she was making her way to the top of my list of the people I really don't like. (Which is small) She was very patronizing. Very rude. She told me that hyperventilating wouldn't help anything. No duh. She asked for my name and birthday. I could hardly remember my name and birthday nevertheless, spit it out. My mom pipped in, "Rachel Mer..." "She can speak for herself." said the newest member of my dislike list. Jerk. Through my tears I forced my name and other information. I have such harsh feelings about that check in lady. She is the shell of a woman. She has no heart. She has no soul. She must have cried out all of her tears when she was a baby. When Jeri walked into the door I turned to her and said, " I DON'T LIKE HER!"
The rest of the night I was evaluated in the ICU and pumped with meds that did work then didn't work, ones that made me crazy, and ones that made me emotional. I would knock out and wake up frequently. I woke to the beautiful face of Julie one time. She brought me a Mucho Mango that Brett had asked her to deliver. I remember waking up to a nurse taking my vitals and pointing out my sister was sitting next to me. I don't remember much, just bits and pieces. It was uncomfortable but somehow David, my mom and I all fell asleep. I stayed in the ICU for about twenty hours.

Sunday:
I woke up with pain and more evaluations and some solutions. I was diagnosed with post compartment syndrome. A lot of physicians said the pain is worse than childbirth. I just want to throw that out there. So, I was rushed into surgery to relieve the pressure.
I woke up so pleased... the pain was gone. Drugs were lovely. The surgery went well. Some muscle looked damaged. They needed to keep the incision open to reduce swelling. So, now it was a waiting game until Wednesday. They talked about skin grafts and other scary things that might need to happen.

Monday:
Not very comfy, but good pain control. Pain meds every 3 hours. Which made sleeping harder. Lots of interruptions with nurses checking vitals. Chest X-ray. Visitors :)

Tuesday:
Same, minus the chest X-ray. Lots of napping. Nutrition forgot about me so I ate lots of jello and fruit which I didn't mind. Kind of...

Wednesday:
Very nervous. Surgery was delayed by two and a half ish hours. When they wheeled me down to the OR I was kind of teary-eyed. I guess I was so riled up about the unknown.
Before I knew it I was waking up to Martha. She was nice. I was crying. My leg felt like someone had sliced it open with a knife and removed about four tablespoons of muscle and then sewed it back up. Oh, wait, that IS what happened. As soon as the pain meds started kickin in all was much better. So, the surgery went better than we thought it would! I got some awesome huge pants from Aunt Sis. And some comfy pants from Jeri. And Rissa got me some body spray. Let me tell you, after five days of being stuck in a hospital gown and being sedated and not feeling awesome that body spray was so fantastic. It was the perfect hospital pick me up. Sigh...

Thursday:
I didn't sleep that well... My room was more busy than a grocery store on a Saturday. After breakfast I laid down for a nap. Just as I was getting to sleep the physical therapist burst through the door. (She easily could have been related to check in lady. She was a jerk and was very rude to my mom. She better watch herself. Deep breath, and proceed.) We went for a little walk.
After that I got my nap. I woke up and had a nice lunch. The physical therapist came back and we went for another walk. A longer walk. I was really tired.
This cast is plaster, not your usual fiber glass. It's a heavy sucker. At least I'm getting a work out right? Now, Mom and I are on out computers enjoying relaxing. Tomorrow I'll probably get to go home. I am so excited for real clothes and fresh air.
So excited.

Oh! Sedation!

I hope that even with these drugs I look as cute as this kitten.

Long story short- I got surgery yesterday. I had this awesome thing called a never block. I couldn't feel my leg. It was great.

The story I want to blog:
About 10:30 this morning I woke up and tried to turn over. ZING! Something on the bottom of my foot combusted. At least it felt like that. The nerve block was wearing off. My kryptonite was somewhere close. I called my mom who was just about to bite into her breakfast. She came zooming up the stairs. Dah dah dah daaah! Mommy to the rescue! (Cape and fist ed hand directly above her head and everything). She handed me my pills. I graciously gulped them down with some orange juice. Nothing. I called the insurance company (I'm their #1 fan these days) and asked if I would be covered for another nerve block. They said yes, I said thanks and my mom was on the phone with the hospital in seconds. The hospital told us to get there as soon as possible. After some scrambling to get things were they should be we were off to Salt Lake to get another nerve block. There was no time to get a shoe or pants for that matter. Nevertheless, we were on our way. All I could think about was if Brett was here, I'd be a bit more at ease. About 30 minutes into our journey the pills started to work. I was a bit more relaxed. Still crying. We pulled into the hospital and mom flew into the doors to get a wheel chair. Before I knew it Martha was giving me an IV. Oh, the marvelous vessel that would soon direct calming and sedating liquid into my body. Matt (the pain guy) stuck his head in to let me know they were almost ready to poke me. I looked at him and said "I need you." About ten minutes later Matt was wheeling me into the "blocking room". He told me that I looked like I was going into shock. I was instructed to breathe deeper and keep talking. Marvelous Matt gave me a nice big does of "liquid courage" to help with the block. They did an ultrasound on my leg to find the best nerve. Before I knew it they were counting to three and I felt a nasty poke and a jab. Then they wheeled me back into the room with super mom. I was nice and drugged. Much better. I dozed for a bit. I could hear Matt talking to my mom but I felt so calm I didn't even care to open my eyes. The doctors gave me the thumbs up to go home. So me and super mom did just that. We had some minor technical difficulties getting home but we got home. So, that brings us to now. Al and Jeri just stopped by to give me some goodies! I love surgery goodies!! Lets hope that tomorrow the pain isn't as bad. I won't be able to get a nerve block. It will be a Saturday. Gulp. I'm totally up for a movie right now.

I know woman can keep things bottled up for years, but this one has got to come out!

I feel like there is bottled up self expression in my body. I sing a lot. I sketch and color. But I haven't danced for a long time. Every song I listen to- I'm picturing a certain step, turn, leap...

It's killing me.

I think that the only way to remedy this situation is to dance. I need a wide open space and a stereo STAT. I really would like a stage. Yeah, a stage.

Thanks.

Look at these lovely people dancing. Passionately. They even kiss.

Drool...

Items of Thought

• I feel organized with these bulletin points.
• The beautiful people you see in the picture are stunning aren't they? (From left to right) Yours truly and the ever so handsome PFC Brett Merkley. He just graduated from his basic training. Look at him. What a BABE!!! I am sooo proud of him.
• Dealings with insurance companies are... Well, I guess I don't really need to elaborate because once you read the beginning of this bullet point you were probably thrust into a vortex of bad memories where you had to deal with the insurance company. If this is a stretch for you just know that I am stressed out of my mind and I think that I deserve some ice cream.
• Speaking of vortex, my older brother wanted to name my triplet brother vortex. Cute. (I really hope you picked up the sarcasm)
• The phrase "waiting for Christmas" has never applied to me this strongly. I wonder how much it would cost to be put in a medically induced coma until a week before Christmas. And what percentage of my insurance would cover it... Below are a few reasons why. (Mostly number 1 though)
  

1. Brett will be home around theeee 17th ish? We will spend close to two and a half marvelous weeks together. sigh...
   
2. I am not a Scrooge in the least. I LOVE Christmas.
   
3. I love families getting together.
4. I love the smell of Christmas.
5. I love Christmas songs... carols. Whatever.
6. I love being a bit more dressed up for dinner.
7. I love walks at night in the snow.
8. I love hot chocolate and cider.
9. I love how people are generally jolly.
   

• I knew that Brett being gone would be hard. But, to be honest, I had no idea that it would ever be this hard. But still, even if I had known from the beginning that it was going to be this hard it wouldn't change it. Any of it.
  
• South Carolina weather is deceiving.
  
• I learned last night with Al that just like there is no wrong way to eat a Reese's, there is no wrong way to eat macaroni and cheese.